This is my first time posting to Anonymous.com, so I’m not sure who (if anyone) will read my posts. I don't even want to be on Anonymous.com in the first place. I only ended up here as part of a three-step program that my meddling little sister conned me into trying. She suggested I use this site as STEP 1 to work out some of my “relationship issues”. She says it really helped someone she knows…her friend’s neighbor’s sister-in-law or something, get over her recent divorce. Anonymous.com says you create your own blog page on this site, write about whatever is troubling you, and get feedback from an unbiased audience.
I don’t feel that I have “relationship issues”, and I don’t particularly mind being single. A small series of events that occurred last Friday night is how I ended up on this website, rambling on about my life. My sister and I share a duplex in a nice part of town. She lives in the larger 2 bedroom unit with her boyfriend and dog, and I live in the smaller one bedroom unit with my cat (my life sounds exceedingly exciting already, doesn't it?) We share a backyard, so last Friday night when I heard the backdoor open, I knew it was her. She came in looking for our fancy electric wine bottle opener, dressed in some trendy sequined get-up and stacked high heels. And there I was…on the couch...in my pajamas…crying hysterically to P.S. I Love You…with a spoon submerged in a pint of brownie moose tracks ice cream. This scene quickly turned into me being verbally berated by my younger sister on things like "sitting at home for the last six weekends in a row" and how "ice cream by the pint will make you fat". Then she proceeded to tell me how she worries about me, and, in her best intervention voice, told me it was time for me to embark on this three step program of hers:
STEP 1: BECOME A MEMBER OF ANONYMOUS.COM
STEP 2: JOIN A DATING SITE
STEP 3: GO ON A MINIMUM OF FIVE FIRST DATES
I’m also supposed to document “my journey” or whatever, on this anonymous.com website. For “reflection” and “growth” she says. I’m not really buying any of it, to be honest, and I wouldn’t have even followed through with this three step plan if it weren’t for her blackmailing me. She threatened to tell our mother what really happened to the side mirror of her Cadillac ten years ago…can you believe that? Extortion at it's finest.
So that brings my story back to today, where I sit here typing to you anonymous people about my anonymous life. When you sign up for this website it says you don’t have to worry about people from your own town figuring out your identity because the site scatters the viewed content across the globe based on your IP address (or something like that). I’m still pretty skeptical about all of this, so I think I’ll come up with a pen name to further conceal my identity (not that my identity is exciting enough to be concealed). Pen name….pen name…. I know! I’ll use my stripper name. No, I’m not really a stripper you dope, but don’t you remember those chain emails from like, 1998, that said you can get your “stripper name” by combining two totally unrelated details of your life? What were they again? Your mother’s maiden name and your pet’s name? No! I remember now, it was your first pet’s name and the name of the first street you grew up on. That’s it. So, that would make me…Nugget Sweat. Yikes. That’s not exactly what I was going for. Let’s try the second pet and the second street. That would make me...Cookie Braddock. Yeah. That’s a little better. That’ll work.
So consider this my first post, anonymous.com. If you’d like to follow my written adventures through my sister’s ridiculous three step program, add your email under the subscribe button at the top right. I'm also supposed to ask you to comment below my future posts with your thoughts and relationship advice- that's the one thing my little sister says helped her friend's cousin's neighbor...whatever, get a new perspective on things. I sure hope you guys are better at relationships than I am, or I can definitely see more rom-com and ice cream nights in my near future.
Until Next Time,
"Cookie Braddock"
